That's What She Said

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Caligula, Part Deux.

Where were we? Oh, right... Caligula is now in charge.

He finds people spying on him via a giant pottery mask in his bedroom, through which he receives yet more political advice. Enter Longinus (long-GINE-us, no shit!). Anyway, Caligula gets Gemellus to publicly accuse Macro of assassinating Tiberius, in the grand tradition of political blame-shifting that continues to this day. Chaerea reminds the new Caesar in a subsequent scene that justice must always be impartial. Riiiiight.

Strange bathing scene, featuring Elvira. Oops, no, it's Ennia. In a move Henry VIII would be proud of, Caligula is apparently planning to marry her, after she divorces Macro. Caligula urinates and Longinus brings word of Macro's death sentence. (Who needs a divorce if you're husband is dead? Curious.) Psych, psych, double psych! Ennia is banished and Caligula will not marry her. He wants to marry his sister instead, even though he's not Egyptian. Drusila convinces him to he needs a legitimate whoa-man instead and Caligula says, and I quote, "I wonder what I will wear!" Ooooooooo-kay.

Girl-on-girl. Caligula in drag. "Virgins are boring." Caesonia is a scandalous slut, so of course Caligula decides to marry her. Caligula marries her while still dressed in drag. Some balls on this dude. (By "marries," I mean blatantly screws while engaging in witty banter in a temple of some sort.)

Decapitation device. "If only all Rome had just one neck." Giant phallus on parade. Caesonia on a leash. Caligula bones a newlywed couple as a wedding gift, in the name of the Senate and people of Rome, of course. Classy.

Omninous storm. Gemellus is up to no good! More dancing, this time nekkid in the rain. Caligula is once again in need of Xanax and denied. Someone who didn't see Clerk II "visits the ATM."

Caligula is now confiding in his horse, re: Gemellus' conspiracy against him. Once again, he purports himself a god. We can say "Megalomanic," thanks for asking. Gemellus is arrested for treason, based on bullshit antics and Drusila is peeved. Caesonia is knocked up and Drusila is knocked out. Sanctimonious prick Caligula fakes choking on fake poison and commands his pregnant wife to dance for his horse (for reals).

"Don't try anything funny with that horse now! Uh-oh!" says Scot. I need not elaborate, except to point out that Caligula vomits on our behalf. How thoughtful.

The Emperor is sick in bed, with the horse. XANAX!!! My ass he's dying. There's an hour left of this movie. Longinus to the rescue! Take form of creepy bald dude in cape! Caligula decides now is a good time to re-write his will and leave the Roman Empire to his sister/one true love. This continues to get creepier than Luke and Leia ever dared imagine.

Stay tuned for Part Three: Caligula, the Final Countdown.

Movie Review (with Synopsis!): Caligula - Part One

Spoiler alert! (As if you didn't guess.) And, warning... Part One includes no review, as this is merely a synopsis of the first half of the epic.

First, the inspiration for watching this porno... I mean, movie. Last week at trivia, there was a question: What does Caligula mean in Latin? Answer: Little Boots. (Thanks to Michael who, I believe, in turn thanks the History Channel.) M(R)att and Scot were then inspired (aka: forced) to take on the task of writing a Caligula song. And, so... we carry on to NetFlix.

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During the intro, we are treated to some Bible quotes and introduced to a herd of sheep. Meanwhile, Lil' Kim's wardrobe inspiration is, uh, "unveiled" (read: single breast exposure). Frolicking ensues. Wild horses observe said frolicking.

*Note: During my first attempt to view the movie, I got on the phone with a friend just after the intro and proceeding to have a 45 minute conversation whilst this movie was on in the background. Frolicking did not ensue, but hilarity did.

(By the way, the DVD menu features a freaky closeup of Caligula's eyes that will make your skin crawl. Discovered on take two.)

And so... as I was saying, frolicking ensued... in togas.

Caligula is introduced to us via disembodied monologue, in which he asserts he is a god. Sounds totally rational. No problem. The credits would be terribly boring at this point, except the score is quite fantastic. (Must add CD to library hold list now.)

Drusila and Caligula are messing around, when Macro arrives. Drusila hides and Caligula pretends to sleep. I get the distinct feeling that Caligula is up to no good, according to standards of his day. He goes to visit the Emperor Tiberius where he is intercepted by some crankshaft named Nerva. Topless women. Lots of crying babies. An indoor pool with a creepy vampire-esque Emperor who commands Caligula, aka "Little Boots," to dance. Grandpa Emperor is friggin' PISSY. Caligula dances and Grandpa romps with various nekkid folk. Fair enough. Finally, they get down to bidness and discuss the politics of Caligula's succession as next Caesar. There's a whole lotta stuff going on during this discussion of politics that one cannot begin to describe in mere words. Well, one can try. Dildos comes to mind. And... scene.

Spilled beans from said discussion of politics: Caligula is adopted and Drusila is his sister (Ah ha!).

Caligula is back to incest when it's revealed that he has panic disorder. And no Xanax. (Dude has lost his mind.) Caligula is convinced Tiberius will kill him and his friends and vice versa. So, Nerva (Team Tiberius) just offs himself and beats them all to the punch. Ta-da!

Nekkid deformed people. Horse heads. Fighting in mud baths. And... the source of freaky eye closeups from the DVD menu is revealed. Plus, some torture scenes. Charicles and Caligula discuss Tiberius' life expectancy briefly, while Macro consoles his obviously psychotic friend, who happens to need a kiss. Tiberius croaks, and Caligula seems to have no problem at all wrestling the Caesar's ring from his Grandfather's dead hands. So much for mourning. PSYCH! Tiberius is not dead. Macro goes ahead and remedies this situation with what looks like a pair of pantyhose.

Caligula is in charge. Claudius is apparently a total fruit cake, and by that I mean... high-pitched dingbat.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Thugmai!

This blog post is dedicated to my good friends and vampire hunters, Michelle and Jim. Word to your Thugmai, bitches!

True Life Story of the Pastor and the WHORE!

Just moments ago, we were driving home in a borrowed pickup truck when we encountered a woman waving her arms and calling to us as she ran across the street. (Honestly, we may have kept traveling had we not been at a stop and had she not been running directly in front of our vehicle, but I digress...) Frantic-Pants proceeded to knock on the passenger side window and the natural response was to see what in tarnation her problem was.

Me: Yes? What's going on?
Frantic-Pants (short of breath): OK!... I just caught the pastor in the back of the church with a whore. Please, I beg you. I will not survive the night if I don't get out of here.
Me: Umm...
Frantic-Pants (now yelling): Ma'am, I'm just trying to get to ReadyMan!* Please, I don't want to die!
Me: I'm sorry, but I can't give you a ride. This isn't even my truck.
Frantic-Pants: WHAAAAAT?!?!?! MA'AM! (as window is going up and we're pulling away)

Unfortunately, this encounter went down a mere two blocks from our house, where we would need to stop and unload a mattress set out of the back of the truck. Thus, we feared she would continue chasing after us (and she did for a bit), screaming "Ma'aaaam! MA'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" But, alas, clearly she was murdered on the street because she quieted shortly and did not manage to catch up with us... yet.