Caligula, Part Deux.

Where were we? Oh, right... Caligula is now in charge.

He finds people spying on him via a giant pottery mask in his bedroom, through which he receives yet more political advice. Enter Longinus (long-GINE-us, no shit!). Anyway, Caligula gets Gemellus to publicly accuse Macro of assassinating Tiberius, in the grand tradition of political blame-shifting that continues to this day. Chaerea reminds the new Caesar in a subsequent scene that justice must always be impartial. Riiiiight.

Strange bathing scene, featuring Elvira. Oops, no, it's Ennia. In a move Henry VIII would be proud of, Caligula is apparently planning to marry her, after she divorces Macro. Caligula urinates and Longinus brings word of Macro's death sentence. (Who needs a divorce if you're husband is dead? Curious.) Psych, psych, double psych! Ennia is banished and Caligula will not marry her. He wants to marry his sister instead, even though he's not Egyptian. Drusila convinces him to he needs a legitimate whoa-man instead and Caligula says, and I quote, "I wonder what I will wear!" Ooooooooo-kay.

Girl-on-girl. Caligula in drag. "Virgins are boring." Caesonia is a scandalous slut, so of course Caligula decides to marry her. Caligula marries her while still dressed in drag. Some balls on this dude. (By "marries," I mean blatantly screws while engaging in witty banter in a temple of some sort.)

Decapitation device. "If only all Rome had just one neck." Giant phallus on parade. Caesonia on a leash. Caligula bones a newlywed couple as a wedding gift, in the name of the Senate and people of Rome, of course. Classy.

Omninous storm. Gemellus is up to no good! More dancing, this time nekkid in the rain. Caligula is once again in need of Xanax and denied. Someone who didn't see Clerk II "visits the ATM."

Caligula is now confiding in his horse, re: Gemellus' conspiracy against him. Once again, he purports himself a god. We can say "Megalomanic," thanks for asking. Gemellus is arrested for treason, based on bullshit antics and Drusila is peeved. Caesonia is knocked up and Drusila is knocked out. Sanctimonious prick Caligula fakes choking on fake poison and commands his pregnant wife to dance for his horse (for reals).

"Don't try anything funny with that horse now! Uh-oh!" says Scot. I need not elaborate, except to point out that Caligula vomits on our behalf. How thoughtful.

The Emperor is sick in bed, with the horse. XANAX!!! My ass he's dying. There's an hour left of this movie. Longinus to the rescue! Take form of creepy bald dude in cape! Caligula decides now is a good time to re-write his will and leave the Roman Empire to his sister/one true love. This continues to get creepier than Luke and Leia ever dared imagine.

Stay tuned for Part Three: Caligula, the Final Countdown.