Movie Review (with Synopsis!): Caligula - Part One

Spoiler alert! (As if you didn't guess.) And, warning... Part One includes no review, as this is merely a synopsis of the first half of the epic.

First, the inspiration for watching this porno... I mean, movie. Last week at trivia, there was a question: What does Caligula mean in Latin? Answer: Little Boots. (Thanks to Michael who, I believe, in turn thanks the History Channel.) M(R)att and Scot were then inspired (aka: forced) to take on the task of writing a Caligula song. And, so... we carry on to NetFlix.

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During the intro, we are treated to some Bible quotes and introduced to a herd of sheep. Meanwhile, Lil' Kim's wardrobe inspiration is, uh, "unveiled" (read: single breast exposure). Frolicking ensues. Wild horses observe said frolicking.

*Note: During my first attempt to view the movie, I got on the phone with a friend just after the intro and proceeding to have a 45 minute conversation whilst this movie was on in the background. Frolicking did not ensue, but hilarity did.

(By the way, the DVD menu features a freaky closeup of Caligula's eyes that will make your skin crawl. Discovered on take two.)

And so... as I was saying, frolicking ensued... in togas.

Caligula is introduced to us via disembodied monologue, in which he asserts he is a god. Sounds totally rational. No problem. The credits would be terribly boring at this point, except the score is quite fantastic. (Must add CD to library hold list now.)

Drusila and Caligula are messing around, when Macro arrives. Drusila hides and Caligula pretends to sleep. I get the distinct feeling that Caligula is up to no good, according to standards of his day. He goes to visit the Emperor Tiberius where he is intercepted by some crankshaft named Nerva. Topless women. Lots of crying babies. An indoor pool with a creepy vampire-esque Emperor who commands Caligula, aka "Little Boots," to dance. Grandpa Emperor is friggin' PISSY. Caligula dances and Grandpa romps with various nekkid folk. Fair enough. Finally, they get down to bidness and discuss the politics of Caligula's succession as next Caesar. There's a whole lotta stuff going on during this discussion of politics that one cannot begin to describe in mere words. Well, one can try. Dildos comes to mind. And... scene.

Spilled beans from said discussion of politics: Caligula is adopted and Drusila is his sister (Ah ha!).

Caligula is back to incest when it's revealed that he has panic disorder. And no Xanax. (Dude has lost his mind.) Caligula is convinced Tiberius will kill him and his friends and vice versa. So, Nerva (Team Tiberius) just offs himself and beats them all to the punch. Ta-da!

Nekkid deformed people. Horse heads. Fighting in mud baths. And... the source of freaky eye closeups from the DVD menu is revealed. Plus, some torture scenes. Charicles and Caligula discuss Tiberius' life expectancy briefly, while Macro consoles his obviously psychotic friend, who happens to need a kiss. Tiberius croaks, and Caligula seems to have no problem at all wrestling the Caesar's ring from his Grandfather's dead hands. So much for mourning. PSYCH! Tiberius is not dead. Macro goes ahead and remedies this situation with what looks like a pair of pantyhose.

Caligula is in charge. Claudius is apparently a total fruit cake, and by that I mean... high-pitched dingbat.